Okay. Lets all give a thanks to the Bachelorette’s Ivan for his supreme lack of culinary prowess. How wonderful that the poor man had no idea about the anatomy of an avocado. How delightful to watch this idiotic show slide firmly into the farcical.
The innocence of dear Ivan’s face as he shoved the two plump, pip-filled fruits into the blender and pressed go. The serious faces of intent as our bachelorette and her other suitor awaited desert, valiantly ignoring the insistent screech of the machine’s impotent grind.
But she kept her poker-face on straight – a task no doubt aided by the modern-day mother’s helper, botulinum toxin – for true love is no laughing matter, and our heroine is heroically and stoically determined to find the truth. Is Bill really there for the Right Reasons? Because Ali’s heard rumors from his rival what’s-his-name – the rugged, sun-tanned one who gets a bit wound up after a few too many vinos.
Cut to Ivan’s ongoing emasculation in the kitchen: prodding an avo’s stubborn pear-shaped body further into the blades with bemused consternation.
Cut back to the hastily staged alfresco table. Is it true Bill? Our fair princess asks. Are you really here for me? Or, shock horror, are you here for the dreaded Wong Reasons?
No, says Mr. box-jaw Bill, I’m here for you sweet lady, I am but a victim of the suntanned-boozer’s spiteful ways.
Meanwhile Ivan appears with their pip-infused mousse. It’s a bit rough, he warns. Cut to the valiant Ali tasting said mousse, the spoon slipping self-consciously between plump, princess lips. The air is tense. The mousse is rough. It’s almost time to make her proclamation. Who will stay to win the fair maiden’s hand?
I’m sorry Ivan. The mousse was a bit rough and at the end of the day Ali has to Follow Her Heart. Not much choice when she knows next to nothing about what’s in his head.