Rubbergirlz, Goat Soap and the United Australia Party. Something for everyone at this year’s Australian Open

If you’re watching the tennis like I am you’ve no doubt been exposed to some highly repetitive advertising – Goat Soap, Rubbergirlz, and Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party…Uber eats, ATP river cruises. Yep there’s something for everyone at this year’s Australian Open.

Let’s start with Goat soap. A catchy little tune that’s successfully ear-wormed itself into my brain, “…goat soap, goat soap, gettcha-gettcha goat on…” What is it? It’s goat soap – made from milk of goat rather than the animal itself (I hope) – but the strange thing is, I’ve only ever seen this ad aired during the Australian Open, and that seems odd. It’s not a big brand – it’s packaging amateur not slick – so how the hell can this funny little product afford so much Aussie Open air-time? There must be some bucks behind the humble goat soap I think. Who owns it? And who do they know…?

And then there’s what’s his name – Charlie Sheen in the offensive ‘Rubbergirlz’ Ultratune ad, playing the familiar role of sleazebag ‘rescuing’ a harem of well-inflated Rubbergirlz presumably primed for his personal use…If I could be bothered to make a formal complaint I would. But I can’t. Oh what a classy ad. See. They’re Rubbergirlz. Women with inflated lips and assets – rubbery, like the product itself. You know. Tyres. Rubber. Get it? And Charlie’s gonna pork ’em. All of ’em.

Then Clive Palmer pops in to let the people know that no politician can be trusted except him. The people of Australia must rise up against them. You know, them. The liars. The cheats. The enemy. The people who will destroy our country unless we do something about it. Get angry people. Okay? And then of course there’s Uber Eats. A company who’ve levered themselves into ‘cool’ via the reliable tool of celebrity status – allowed the privilege of on-court spruiking, neatly spliced into the action so we know it’s okay, and for those of you who prefer fine-dining to the convenience of home-delivered meals, take a carefree, throw-back-your-head-and-laugh gleefully European cruise with APT. Enjoy the company of other middle-aged, cultured, slim, good-looking folk with shit-wads of cash. Yep. There’s certainly diversity of product-flogging in between points this year, so let’s get back to the action shall we? Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!…gettcha-gettcha-goat on…

Flogging & Blogging – What’s the Point of all this Blagging?

Good question, she says, shuffling nervously and buying a few seconds of time…Er-herm…Well, the uncomfortable truth is: like millions of other online entities clamoring for attention in the ever-expanding binary cloud, I too seek to build a ‘presence’.

Because if you plan to to flog anything these days, it seems you have to flog yourself first. Even if I do manage to eventually snag a deal with a traditional publisher, they’ll most likely expect me to do some of my own promotion…Hence this little HungryBrain blog I’ve pulled out of my arse for your enjoyment (and possible edification). And one day when my intelligent and witty historical romance is released (my challenging dark, satirical novella Top model Hotty is available now), I’d like more than just a few people to know about it…not just the two followers I’ve collected so far – both plastic surgery clinics in India – their interest clearly generated by brain-free bots totally missing the gist of my anti-surgery post.

So, if I want to expand my following the experts suggest I write content of value to an intended audience, and devote my focus to a single theme instead of spouting haphazardly from day to day – what’s got my goat lately or put bees in my bonnet…

“It’s like a diary,” I told a friend when asked what my blog actually was, “…just one that anyone can see…” But it’s not like a diary at all. A diary has no intended audience – except perhaps one’s future self or the closest of friends. And diaries are safe havens for private thoughts, not public forums open to hateful trolls or potential employers seeking to eliminate weeds, so, with that in mind, I won’t be droning on about hopeless love affair no. 7, or getting philosophical about ‘the point of it all…’ And I certainly won’t be battling double-vision after downing a bottle of Tyrell’s Long Flat Red and a dozen Peter Stuyvesants at 3 in the morning, scrawling indecipherable woe-is-me monologues about my chronic lack of identity – ENOUGH!

No. Times have changed and I’m old now. Oldish…well, much older than some and much younger than others, but thankfully wise enough to know that writing and drinking isn’t the greatest cocktail ever invented – even with the convenience of auto-correction and font-lettering to disguise the scrawls of high blood-alcohol.

And I have to admit – I’ve jumped on this blogging bandwagon in true amateur fashion, or to put a little spin in it – organically…There’s no business plan underlying my actions, no ‘intended’ audience I can identify at this stage, but if I want to capture followers I must quell my distaste for predetermined shapes, I must offer ‘value’ to my customers…or, as I discovered from the Netflix documentary, Follow Me, I could just cut to the chase and well…buy some…

Yes, that’s right folks – if you’re feeling a little unpopular you can reach for a cash remedy and boost your viability, ‘for sale’ followers available in two flavors apparently – the cheaper fake variety, or the more authentically expensive ones…and, as the salesperson in Follow Me cheerfully pointed out when pressed to explain the difference between the two, the real followers would (potentially) interact with you, whilst to the fake ones would not…Sigh

Blogging has become a very serious matter, evolved from its grassy-roots to its current incarnation of sales generator – a fact that becomes plainer by the day, with advertisers more than willing to splash wads of cash at individuals with huge followings. The result is this: bloggers have become blaggers, and the evolution of person as product continues on its merry way…

Okay folks, better get on with my flogging…

Mind-blowing innovation ‘changes the way we drink water’

There’s a new ad campaign invading our screens that’s so incredibly stupid, it really deserves to be called out for what it is – a load of utter bullshit.

Apparently Twinings the tea company has invented a product that will change the way we drink water. Wow now that’s quite a big call, and the mind boggles with possible scenarios – what on earth could this new ‘way’ be? What is this revolutionary product now available for consumption?

Now let me think…is it some sort of skin patch? A slow-release system metering out precise doses adding up to the prescribed 8 glasses a day? Do we drink the liquid through our noses instead of our mouths? Or has Twinings discovered a new orifice somewhere on the human body? A specialised water inlet perhaps?

No. Hold on to your hats everyone, because Twinings has invented…A tea bag!

But Infuse is not your ordinary baggie, it comes in a screw- top jar, not a cardboard box. And the great revelation is, the bag is designed to release its natural fruity flavours into…cold water! Gasp! Who woud’a thunk it! Cold water! Wow! Surely this amounts to nothing short of a total revolution in the way we drink water.

And it’s good for the planet too. Saves you from buying all those nasty plastic bottles filled with flavoured waters. Now you can just pop a mango or strawberry baggie into your own body of water…and that’s why Twinings has released its own branded plastic container, the Infuse reusable bottle, designed especially for the retaining of cold H2O, and placement of said revolutionary baggie.

Let’s break this down to see the error in their message. Adding an ingredient to water does not change how we drink it, it changes the water itself. If we accepted Twinings’ logic, then the same claim could be made by just about every beverage made from water, and that means, ALL of them. Beer changes the way we drink water, coffee changes the way we drink water, cows change the way we drink water (they make it into milk) etc etc etc.

But the wonderful world of marketing isn’t concerned with logic, its aim is to prey on desire, the human longing for health and betterment, for innovation and progess. Well here’s an idea for you. If you really want to change the way you drink water – stop sucking down liquids from plastic retainers full stop. Get your hands on a pre-existing ‘cup’ and use that instead. Or stick your head under a tap and have an occasional slurp on that.